"you don't need anyone to save you but yourself. nobody's gunna do it for you, people will support you but that's different. I got your back, kid. I promise everything will be okay. It won't be easy, but it'll be okay." -courtney

So Kevin just "wants to be friends". I gave him his stuff back and that was it. I need to work through my heart break now. I need to work through the disappointment Kevin is. I always said I was disappointed with Jonathan, but I expected being hurt from him. I never expected it from Kevin-and that's what hurts so much. How he acts like he barely knows me. 

I came home today from work. An emotional wreck. 

Louie helped me get through most of the day. I even passed my test to drive the other machines. It's a start. However, I came home and I was still upset. My mom took the baby and went to walgreens to get cat food and water. After they left and I came back into my room. I broke down. I cried, I sobbed, and I let my heart shatter. I let everything come out through my tears. I texted Courtney. I asked if she was home. She said she was on her way home. Then she called me and I cried even more. The realization of being unwanted by someone I thought I shared something with hit me hard. 

I felt hurt, unwanted, alone, disgusted, used and disappointed. It made me sick to think how after a year and a half, he wanted to be with me and all of a sudden he wanted nothing to do with me. I felt used. It felt like after all this time he had built up this imagination and expectation of what he wanted me to be. Once he got with me, he was disappointed with everything and who I really was. 

You know what he texted me? He said how every time we chilled it always turned into sex and it became tiring so he pushed himself away. Keep in mind, we chilled maybe once or twice a week. 

Apparently that was too much for him.

He's the second man to tell me I want too much sex. To relax and just chill. 

This makes it feel like it's me. This is why I feel like it's my fault. 

I told him, "why didn't you just tell me". He said because I would have got mad. Even if I would, I would have got over it. Obviously, he doesn't know me. 

I feel feel very numb. I still can't believe it happened the way it did.

"When things end, it is not about getting over having loved them. It is about getting used to loving them without having them in your life."

This week has been rough. But let me back track a little bit.

Last week, Kevin and I were struggling about where we stood in our relationship. I said how I was tired of having friends with benefits, and I was ready for something more. He, on the other hand, didn't know what he wanted. That put me at odds because then I felt he didn't know if he wanted me. I felt insecure, heartbroken.

The the worst happened.

A well known young man in our town got in a motorcycle accident. A day or two later, he passed. When I first heard about it, I was getting my nails done. Something that seemed to materialistic. My first thought, went to my friend, Courtney, then to Kevin. 

Later that night, I texted Kevin. Asked him if he was okay and if he needed me. He stated the first time how he just really needs to be with his friends right now but thanks. I totally get that. 

The weekend of St. Patty's was painful. I felt the pain of Bayonne as I walked through the streets. Every time I sucked in air my chest became a little tighter. I never knew John Santopietro, but my God, it felt like I did. I came home and I couldn't sleep because of how tight my chest was. I'm not sure if it's because I'm picking up on everyone's heartache or something else. I've become increasingly physically nauseous because of the level of anxiety I feel.

I kept turning to Kevin. I'm not sure if it was because I wanted to be there for him so badly, or if I wanted him to finally say "Mel, I need you right now" I so badly wanted him to come to me for support. I wanted to be there and hold his hand, to help him re-light the candles at the memorial, to just physically be there, not a random text. 

But I was shut out. 

The final text message that was sent from him told me this: 

"I have my friends, that's all I need. I'm trying to comfort them and if you can't understand that, then I must be talking French." 

I told him "I'm sorry, I won't bother you anymore" 

He told me: "you're not bothering me, just text me damn it"

I didn't respond. 

The next day, I tried texting him and I got no response. All day. No text and no calls. Today in work, he completely ignored me. Walked right by me without acknowledging me or even glancing at me. I know he was fine all day because he spoke to everyone else perfectly fine. So that made me feel even worse and made me feel I'm trying way too hard for someone who just really didn't care in the first place. He made it clear he doesn't need me and I guess I have no choice but to live with it.

I understand with the wake being this week it's gunna be hard. But because he spoke with other females in the job with no problem, I can't help but feel it's me he's just done with. I keep offering to be there for him, but there's only so many times I can be pushed away. 

I'm torn because I want to be with him while he's hurting, but when I listen to my reasoning, I feel so selfish. Like how at the same time, I'm hurt that he doesn't need me or want me around while he's suffering. That's where I feel like shit because I get he needs space, but tell me nicely. Not where it fucking makes my heart bleed. 

I just wanted to be with him. I just wanted us to happen. Late night phone calls, nicknames, teasing and taking care of each other, random text messages celebrating anniversaries, meeting each others family and friends, hugs and kisses, making fun of each other, hanging out. Just us, together. Kevin, all I wanted to say is 'I'm yours' and you say 'you're mine'. But when you said you don't know what you want, my heart dropped. Because the reason why I chose you was because you convinced me we had a chance of being together. So this is me saying Good bye. Because I can't put my heart through this anymore. I want to be there for you, but you made it clear you don't need me. So I'm gunna be there for the people who do. I need to focus my energy to them. Because they are the ones who are going to need it. I don't want to, but I have to let you go, Kevin. You know what they say, if it was meant to be, it'll come back. if not, well.. I guess it wasn't meant to be then.

Stuck on Repeat

So the past couple of days have been depressing. I've been trying to drink my problems away. I lost my iTouch the other day and that set me off. 

I feel like my relationship with Kevin is becoming an awful lot like my relationship with Jon. I feel myself reaching out for what I want more often than I want. I want to be able to sit back and feel the loved. When we first started to become involved, he would be the one to initiate sex. He would kiss me for what seemed like hours, he would touch me everywhere and it was so amazing. But now, I feel like it's always me starting the kissing, there's no more foreplay - do you have any idea how painful sex is without being turned on? 

It's becoming frustrating. When I kiss him, he tells me to relax or calm down. The exact same words Jon used to tell me. It started hitting me hard. Especially last night when we were laying in bed and he turned with his back towards me. If I didn't know better, I would have thought it was Jon. I cried. I was texting Courtney the whole time. Like if he didn't want to come last night because he was tired, he could have said, listen, I'm dead beat tired, I can't bring myself to get up. I would have been sad, but I would have got over it. 

Last night I tired to get him to have sex with me. It was difficult but when I finally got him, he kept looking away from me. The look on his face made me feel like the only thing he was thinking about was when it was over. I tried to kiss him and he pulled away; just kept fucking. I felt so empty. I felt like it was how Jon fucked me. My heart felt so empty and it hurt. I felt it tearing apart. 

I made him stop because it was too dry. That's how turned off I was. He asked if I could help him out. So of course, I finished him off-as always.

At some point after, I must have passed out. He woke me up to go to work which I called out because I was so depressed. We came across conversation when we were watching tv. I asked him his plans for tonight. He said he was going out with his friends. That I only get one day out of the weekend to see him because I see him all week.

Kat was right. I'm his Monday thru Friday girl. I'm not even his girlfriend. He has yet to ask me. 

I feel like i'm giving too much and not getting an equal amount in return. When we were texting last night before we went to get him, He texted me: "I knw u do take care of me every time i come ova nd i do feel like im not a fair person towards u but u knw i would be there in a heart beat if i could tare it up right now. " Like bro, if you know I'm giving you more than what your giving me, wtf you gunna do about it.

Shit better change soon. Because if it doesn't. I'm gunna have to move on. I can't put my heart through the stress it went through with Jon. 

I already feel the effect of the stress physically. The chest pains, the short breaths, the pain in my back, the tiredness, the exhaustion, the sadness, the tears. 

I'm over it.

The same road all over again.

A few weeks ago, Kevin and I were intimate in a whole different way. 

We had sex without a condom. You would think that by now, after already having one child, I would know better. However everything happened so quickly it just.. happened. I thought about it later and calculated how it was RIGHT after my period. A time when you're not really fertile. &It was so amazing, smooth and just.. holy shit. If he kept going, I would have orgasm-ed right then and there. But I worked him too much with a hand job so the rest didn't last too long. Which was all a first. Usually with Kevin things last no less than 30 minutes. He's definitely not built for quickies. haha. After we were finished, he confessed to me how it was his first time ever having sex without a condom. Which I added to why he finished so quickly. But it made my mind start turning-I think I'm more sexually experienced then he is. 

&Since that day, we used protection. 

Except the other day. 

Valentines day.

My day started off normal. I woke up at 4:00am to get ready for work at 5:30am. I texted him morning like i usually do when i'm up that early. So skipping to when i get to work, I go by my locker and I smell something strong and familiar. I follow it to my locker and I notice a bright red teddy bear. I open my locker and see the bear sitting on top of a red card which is resting on a box of Ghiradellli chocolates. It was soooooooo cute. My first valentine's day gift. I never got anything before. Not even with my baby's father. Jon always thought it was just another day - nothing special. 

But Kevin's so different. So amazing. 

After work, I came home and started cleaning house a bit-mostly my room. I showered and started to change when he called to tell me he was on his way. I barely had time to get clothes on. So when he came we kissed quiet a few times before he sat down and opened his card. I got him a cute pe-pe la pu card and some chocolates, his favorite gum and his favorite drink-Gatorade. I had no idea what to get him! but he appreciated it. At least I think he did. 

So he sat back and laid down a bit while I gave the baby a quick bath. I came back to notice he was knocked out. I gave Jocelyn to my mom to care while me and him had some time together. My mom is definitely amazing.

So after I woke him up by kissing his ear, I turned the light off and he got under the blankets. We cuddled for a little and started kissing.

And kissing always leads to touching.

So we started removing clothing. He wanted to just "stick it in" without a condom. I think that one time made it addicting to him. I didn't want to because I knew I was ovulating. But the way it feels without one is so amazing. So I agreed to just "stick it in". But ONE sticking it in, turned into LOTS of sticking it in's. And things just went topsy turvy. I even flipped him over and got on top! That was a whole new world. It got so deep! I swear his dick touched my lungs! But it was so good. Somehow we flipped again and he was behind - another move that gets me to hard. That's how we finished. He pulled out but I know more than anyone else, pulling out isn't always safe.

We cuddled after and just laid together. I spoke with him about him going down on me. Something I've been wanting for a while now. But he keeps saying he's not ready. Because, as he says, he only did it once when he was 18/19 years old. And he never did it again. So now he's nervous that he's not going to do a good job or whatever it may be. I guess it's something I'm just going to have to get used to. 

Anyway, so now I'm a little nervous. I'm hoping to see a little blood at the end of this month. If not, I'm fucked in every aspect of the word.  

Now I gotta get ready for work. ciao. 

God, I miss you so much.

I know I fucked up last night, Kevin. I was so stupid. I knew i shouldn't have said that to you. 

It started off as an okay day-Saturday. You came over and we spent some time together. We enjoyed each other's company. But when I started kissing you and you told me you just wanted to relax, I sort of went into panic mode. Jon used to tell me that when we started to part ways. I understand you're not him Kevin. I understand you're different than them all. But please understand this is what goes through my head when things are said to me. I'm happy just kissing you. But when you said that i felt like you didn't want to kiss me. Yeah, I got to have my way with you anyway, but it still scared me. 

When you left to go to your party, Danette and I went to Friday's and started drinking. We started off with a Corona each. The we moved onto Electric lemonades. I asked Kay (our waiter) to make it strong. And Kay did not fail us. We had three each. At some point, between the first and third drink, Danette went to the bar and asked for the price of a shot of Patron. The guy and his girl friend sitting at the bar over heard her. He turned and asked if we wanted shots. Danette said yeah. So in salute to the Giants game, the four of us took it. Danette and I returned to our table and continued our drinks.We then ordered another shot of Patron ourselves. 

Oh My God.

Any more we would have been fucked. 

So I kept texting you. I wanted to see you. But you were all the way downtown. You kept telling me to go home, how you didn't want me walking all the way down there just for a kiss. 

I automatically thought you didn't want to be seen with me. So I said: "I told you I didn't care. But if u don't want to be seen with me, that's okay too. I'm used to it, it doesn't bother me anymore."

Apparently, you didn't like that so much.

You responded: "wtf that not wat it is mel u would u say something like that :'( thats fucked up"

I told you how I was sorry, but that's how things used to be. It's hard to think otherwise.

You said, "listen that really fuckin pissed me off that u said that u should knw betta"

I do know better, i told you that too. I told you how I said that because it's what my brain is trained to think. I knew I was ruining your night so I said I would talk to you later. 

You told me to go to bed. I was hurt, but I said good night. You in turn said good night with a shit load of exclamation points. Which i asked why you put all of them. 

You told me: "cause u got me mad i can't believe i would say something like that"

I told you not to be mad because Idk what guys really mean. When they say go home, I think its because they don't want to be seen with me. Or they say they don't want to do anything I think they don't want me because of the way I look.

You told me: "u know how i feel about u thats all i have to say there is no one else nd never will be neone else im not like every guy you dated im different"

I went on and told you how i'm afraid you think different about me when you see my scars from the pregnancy. That's why I always where a shirt. I feel like crap because I know you could find someone cute. And how I'm self concious about my height and everything else. Idk what you truely want Kev. That scares me. 

"=/ we can fix nethin nd i like u for who u r not what u look like"

I texted you back how if your not attracted to me physically at least a little bit then how would you stand to be with me? How can you not compare me to others?

You called me. I remember crying a little while you spoke. I can't remember what you said except how you said you cared so much for me. That you love me. I don't remember much else. I went to sleep. That was that. I woke up this morning with an empty inbox. I didn't speak to you all day. I get it was the superbowl and everything, but not one text. You called me around 10:30pm. Said you left your phone some where. I couldn't really hear you. You said how we needed to talk because yesterday was bad. I know it was, and I know we have to. You said how you had to go. Again, I couldn't hear you. So you said how you'll text me. We hung up after that.

A few minutes later You must have texted me. I didn't notice until about ten minutes later since I had my headphones in. 

This is the convo.

u ok

I'm fine

r u sure

As fine as I can me :T

tlk to me wats on ur mind

everything is. just trying to sort things out

wat r u sorting out?

things i need to stop thinking about/doing

ok =/ most def goin to tlk to u bout this like i said im not mad i just feel like u don't trust me =/

I do. I do trust u. Ur one of the few men I do trust kev.

=) i hope so

It's just.. when ur told or see things everyday for a year, its hard to convince urself otherwise. i know ur different. I can feel it in my heart. but my head gets in the way because it panics

i knw u do but u don't show it (Idk what the fuck that's supposed to mean)

idk how to

by just breathin nd not saying wat u said yesterday u need to relax we don't live together like u and him were so me not being there all the time had to be hard (I don't need him around all the time, I can function fine by myself)

I learned to enjoy time alone. i can collect myself. Focus my energy on good vibes. with others or the baby, i sometimes get distracted & i run myself empty. If and when i get my own place it'll be different but as long as im here i can get overwhelmed pretty easy

but u need to collect urself b4 u start thinkin of what im doin cause im not wit u

u cant let that happen

im goin to go to bed txt me when u wake in the am i'll c u tomorrow (Bro, why did you cut the convo short? I felt like you couldn't even let me finish-this hurt a lot)

yup. night

I'm gunna finish what i have to say though. I said i can get overwhelmed. but you make that so much better. I find peace with you. I love being with you kev. When I think about i, I smile the cheesiest smile ever, It's so real. But when you kept saying not to go there, mu automatic response was that you didn't wanna be seen with me. I know that was wrong and it's not question about trust. The few times i went out with him his friends used to say things which is why i never went with him. I;m trying to get you to understand why i said that. It was wrong, yes. I know your different, yes. But that's what I thought of. I'm used to being kept in the closet. Everything with you is so new and fresh. Idk what to do or how to think differently. I'm scared when it comes to you because Idk what we are. Idk how I should be. Idk how a relationship outside a friendship works. Idk what else to say so I guess I'll see you tomorrow. G'night kev.

So that's how that went. I didn't get a response. And I most likely wont. I'm not going to text him tomorrow when I wake up. I'll end up waiting until he approaches me in work. Tomorrow is the only day I'll work a bulk of my shift with him. Tuesday I work 10-7 and I close all the way through Saturday. Sunday is my next day off. Idk how tomorrow is going to go. I'm slowly losing hope in our .. relationship if that's what it is... was. Sigh.  Idk what more I can say to make him understand.